If I Die Young
by MyHeroRaven
Summary: "If I die young, bury me in satin. Lay me down on a, bed of roses." Kogan. Tragedy.


**Title: If I Die Young**

**Author: Today I'm Just Courtney, just my mom's daughter. **

**Summary: "****If I die young, bury me in satin. Lay me down on a, bed of roses****." Kogan. Tragedy. **

**Rating: M**

**Dedication: This is for my mom, she passed away. Her name was Jamie and she meant the world to me. Such a tragedy, truly. This is for you mom, this is for you Jamie-Baby. **

**A/N: This doesn't make much sense because it's not about a mother dying, but it's still for my mom. WAIT BEFORE YOU READ THIS! You have to listen to this song while reading, just trust me. It's: If I Die Young cover by Sam Tsui. Look it up and listen while you read.**

**If I Die Young**

Logan breathed deeply before stepping up to the podium. It was his job to sing, his job to send _him_ off, yet he couldn't get his heart to slow down, he couldn't the pain to stop. So he embraced it.

"This is for you Kendall, you have changed all of our lives and not a day goes by where we don't, where we _won't _ think of you. My brother, my lover, this is for you."

_"__If I die young, bury me in satin  
Lay me down on a, bed of roses  
Sink me in the river, at dawn  
Send me away with the words of a love song_

Uh oh, uh oh"

Carlos was sobbing into James' shoulder holding onto his boyfriend's hand tightly blinking back tears as he watched Logan sing his heart out. He couldn't even _imagine_ how the smart boy felt. He was heart-broken. He watched the cancer eat away the one person he loved more than anything in this world. Kendall dying nearly killed Logan. But he came out of his depression and spent hours trying to find the right song to sing, we all knew it had to be Logan. It just wouldn't feel _right _if Logan wasn't the one singing goodbye to Kendall.

_Kendall_... Carlos would never forget him. He taught him how to play hockey, how to stand up to bullies in middle school and he taught him that friends _stick together_. Carlos had never felt this kind of pain in his chest in his heart as he did right now. He couldn't look at Logan anymore and buried his face in James' chest, feeling the pretty boy's hands card through his hair soothing him as best he could. Because on some level nothing could ever soothe the agony away, a part of Carlos was dead. A part that he could never have back.

_"Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother  
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and  
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no  
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby"_

Logan looked at Mamma Knight and watched as she gripped Katie, who was crying freely, tighter. Her first born was gone. Her baby was gone, and he wasn't going to come back. She looked to the sky, wishing it would twinkle or rain or _something_. Just anything to show that her baby was okay. _That he made it. _

_"The sharp knife of a short life, well  
I've had, just enough time"_

A mother should never have to bury her baby. It's a son's job to bury his mother, not the other way around. And yet here she was, on this bright and beautiful day sending away her little boy.

_"If I die young, bury me in satin  
Lay me down on a, bed of roses  
Sink me in the river, at dawn  
Send me away with the words of a love song_

The sharp knife of a short life, well  
I've had, just enough time"

Katie didn't even know what to do with herself, first her father walks out on their family and now, now her big bro, her Hero was dead. The only man in Katie's life that ever _stayed_. That was ever really there. That sang her to sleep and chased away the monsters in her closet. Katie choked back a sob as she looked at her brother's friends.

Carlos was crying so hard, snot and tears running down his usually happy face, and James was holding him, touching him comfortingly and staring at Logan. James was trying to be strong, Katie could tell. She tore her eyes away from the grieving couple and looked at Logan, her brother's boyfriend. If Kendall were to ever marry anyone, it would have been Logan. It would have been _Logan_. He loved Kendall so much, you could see it in his eyes everytime he looked into Kendall's eyes.

In that moment, hearing the songs and looking at the others boys, Katie realized she wasn't alone, she always had these three boys, they had always been her other brothers. And she knew they would help each other get through this loss, this pain. Katie looked at the sky tears running down her face as she smiled up at her brother. She knew he would be okay. _Kendall would be okay._

And so would she.

_"And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom  
I'm as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, I've  
Never fell in love with no one,  
But it sure felt nice when I held you in the sun.  
And you, you took my hand and said you'll love me forever  
Who would have thought forever could be severed by  
The sharp knife of a short life, well  
I've had, just enough time"_

Logan blinked back tears and paused in his song. He remembered the times they spent together. The times at the park and the times when they would just hold each other. He knew that line in the song was wrong, he _knew_ that Kendall had loved him. Even though, he'd never officially said it. They were both scared and thought they'd have more time. Logan had actually decided to tell him and went to Kendall's hospital room only to find that the boy had passed away in the night. He remembered leaning over the bed sobbing and screaming again and again: "I love you Kendall I love you Kendall... please come back!" It broke James and Carlos' heart to find him that way. Completely broken, spread out on his lover's dead body like a fallen angel. Logan loved Kendall, he always would. No one would ever be able to replace him. No one could take his Knight and Shining Armor's place.

_No one could even come close._

_"If I die young."_

Kendall was one of a kind. He was always there to pick them up when they fell, to make sure they got the most out of life. He was their leader, their brother, and their best friend.

He was just... _Kendall._

_"A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar  
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner  
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'  
Funny when your dead how people start listenin'"_

James had always been closest to Kendall in a brotherly way. Having been the first of the group to officially meet the blonde-haired boy. They always had the most in common when it came to their personalites. Standing up for each other and the other two, and when both boy's started to date their smaller boyfriends it only strengthened the bond. It was unbreakable. And ironically they had always said the only thing that would ever break them up would be death.

'_Are you happy Death? You won.' _James thought bitterly. He instantly thought poorly of himself, he needed to stay strong for Carlos. He needed to help the boy overcome. Plus Logan, Mamma Knight, and Katie needed him. He needed to step up, and fill Kendall's shoes, but they would always be too big, he could walk around in them, but it would be awkward. So for now he was just borrowing them. Until they could all stand on their own. Until they could all be strong togther again. United.

_"I miss you Kendall, my brother.' _James let the tears come, he would be strong tomorrow. But today... today he would grieve.

_"If I die young, bury me in satin  
Lay me down on a, bed of roses  
Sink me in the river, at dawn  
Send me away with the words of a love song"_

James looked up through broken tears and saw Logan's face, he nudged Carlos to get him to look at well. If Logan could get up in front of all these people and sing for their lost brother then they could bare it with them. So they watched as Logan sang, his voice getting stronger and stronger as he thought about the only boy he ever loved. James looked down at Carlos and shuddered picturing himself in Logan's place while Carlos lay dead in a casket, satin and roses caressing his cold skin. His smiling face lifeless. James gripped Carlos tighter and felt tears of agony and loss fall from his hazel eyes. He wouldn't he able to bare losing Carlos.

Because if James lost Carlos... he would lose himself.

_"Uh oh (uh, oh)  
The ballad of a dove (uh, oh)  
Go with peace and love  
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket  
Save them for a time when your really gonna need them, oh"_

Logan looked out at the large crowd that had gathered and as he sung he walked. Picking up one of the roses from the vase by the casket and as he sang about peace and love, two of Kendall's favorite things, he placed the single red rose on top of the casket, resting his long fingers there for a few moments before looking up, his tears all dried up, and he could have swore he saw Kendall in the sky, but he blinked and then he was gone.

_'Just like in life. I blinked and you were gone baby.' _Logan thought before making his way back up to the podium, he was finally ready to sing that last line. The last goodbye.

_"The sharp knife of a short life."_

"I love you Kendall."

**P.S. I hope you liked this mom, everything I wish I could've said to you will never be said now. I was too late. But I love you and I know you know that. **

**This was for you mommy... I love you.**

**-Courtney Nicole Finn-**


End file.
